


Homestuck: The IBM

by Andrew_Vasco, Lokigirl18



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: Action/Adventure, Adventure & Romance, Doomed Timeline(s) (Homestuck), F/F, F/M, Fan Adventure, M/M, Meta, Multi, Other, SBURB Fan Session, SBURB/SGRUB (Homestuck)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-25
Updated: 2019-06-25
Packaged: 2020-05-19 06:18:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19351213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Andrew_Vasco/pseuds/Andrew_Vasco, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lokigirl18/pseuds/Lokigirl18
Summary: After the destruction of Earth, Sburb's failsafe has kickstarted a chaotic session where millions of players will struggle to stay alive to claim the ultimate reward.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The following fic is a speculation on the fate of the potential players involved with Sburb and what it becomes when it is overloaded.

This wasn’t supposed to be like this. My friends and I were going to get together to play some game - just the four of us. So why? Why were there meteors falling from the sky? The news didn’t say anything, the Internet hasn’t posted anything, the nosy mediums should be all over this stuff! No sane person in the U.S. of A would miss the chance to get in on this! I guess this is the end… 13 years old and my life is gonna be snuffed out just like that. There should be a scream somewhere in my body that I could muster out but it just feels like I forgot how to do it.

The sky is so bright red. Rocks coated in flame demolishing every building, the earth splitting on impact, the people were running to who knows where with what little survival instinct they had. You’re all gonna die so why run?

While I looked on through the window of my bedroom I began to think that my pen-pal and friend Gila might have made herself a nice painting of this scenery if the situation wasn’t so shitty. She might even have the gall to say it’s not up to her tastes either. Fuck. I’m beginning to lose my footing and the window just broke all over my face before I fell on my back. A meteor must have landed nearby. My eyes are fine - lucky me - yet my skin feels like it’s come alive from the dust and wind forcibly entering the broken window. It feels like a swarm of hornets is having a field day with their stingers.

“I’m sorry guys,” a regretful mutter escaped my lips. “Our playtime with Sburb ended before it started.”

As I lay on the floor the roof to my home is blown away by damn knows what and amidst the raining hellfire, I see one that had my name on it. What cruel mercy. Now I had a moment to think if flaming rocks of doom even showed mercy. Look now even the impending doom has fried my brain before my throat and eyes did. Sucks for me to be living in Oregon. I’m actually begging for it to come down sooner before any of the volcanoes nearby decide to erupt with the ensuing chaos. Burning just sounds like a terrible way to go.

Here it comes. I see it. Let me close my eyes so I can do a countdown… 8… 7… 6… Anytime now. I can feel the heat and a light so bright that not even my eyelids couldn’t shield me too. 5… 4… 3… 2… I don’t wanna die...

* * *

  
My name is Kurt Miller, 13 years old and I love extreme sports, especially ones that involve bikes, watching Mythbusters and my hero is the Ghost Rider. Don’t judge - I like his style - and his motorcycle is just a bonus. If there is one thing my friends know me for is having a penchant for dragging the unwilling along with me. It’s not my intention in doing that. No really! Honest! Wait… Shouldn’t I be dead? Yup. Still breathing.

My eyes popped open as I began gasping for air like it if were my last. My throat began to feel cold as the lightheadedness was coming over me. I’m alive? Was it a dream?  
To confirm I look around and my room and it was in shambles. Clearly, this isn't the kind of mess I make. There was a draft too - no ceiling, of course. I don’t know what came over me but I felt like I really needed to check my laptop and thus I did. To my surprise, Gila left a message. And then another message followed. Wait! She is alive? Don’t get overexcited Kurt Miller, read first…

saltyBlight has begun chatting contentiousEngineer

SB: Kurt? I can see you on the computer screen. When you get to your laptop answer me. Fast.  
CE: Alright, alright I’m here Lambert. I hope you didn’t prepare any flowers for my funeral. Heh. This isn’t a joke, right? Are you really Gila?  
SB: Do you seek proof? Well, remember when you told me how you tried to attach your bike to a-  
CE: Okay, that’s enough, you are definitely Gila. Please let's not talk about how dumb I was a few months ago.  
SB: Of course. There are far more important things to deal with right now. But first I have to see if I can do something about that roof of yours.

A green cursor just hovers on by and I looked on in awe as a ceiling materialized out of thin air and was carefully brought onto the top. That fixed the whole draft problem.

CE: Sweet! Can you do my windows too?  
SB: Kurt. I just fixed your ceiling and you aren’t going to ask how?  
CE: So what you are saying is you want me to ask what you did before you fix my windows. Okay, I’ll play along. “How did you fix my ceiling, Gila”?  
SB: Kurt…  
CE: Oh I’M sorry, while you want to me to play 20 questions, I’m still trying to figure out how the heck I survived back there!  
SB: Kurt!  
CE: What?!  
SE: We are in the game. This is Sburb. More specifically you are on your planet and I am on mine.  
CE: Holy crap… I sure hope Ralf and Ai made it.  
SB: I’m unsure. Since everything went out of order then I can’t use this guide I found on the Internet on how to play. It seems only one person who wrote about it. How odd… Now I do not mean to worry you but you better turn around.

Just as Gila had suggested I turn my head just for my gaze to meet with that of a black creature with sharp teeth and claws, eyes that had a cold white stare. I was petrified as it climbed in through my window. It was an imp. In what seemed to be barbarian’s attire no less. Maybe it likes He-Man?

“Gila what do I do?!” my laptop gets left on the table as I barely rolled out of the way from its lunge. I needed to find something to arm myself with. Now the first thing to my feet was my toolbox. I was close to disregarding it until something so obvious came to mind A screwdriver! Perfect!

In my quest to arm myself I reach for the toolbox and it just dissipates into oblivion. Is this a joke? I didn’t have time to think about what just happened so next up was the chains of my bicycle that I had dismantled. Fuck it. It’s greasy as hell but I’ll settle for a whip than being unarmed. The imp had thrown itself to me once more as I reached for the chains. I wasn’t going to make it. His claws were going to gouge me before I can fight back. This was gonna hurt.

Bracing myself as I touched the chains the toolbox just magically appeared as the chains disappeared. It was insane. The toolbox just launched at the imp at full speed straight for the head. An audible crack was heard with the edge of the box hitting its mark. I think it's skull was broken.

“I… meant to do that,” I said. “Is it dead?”

Approaching the imp it just disintegrates into a pile of colored cubes and hexagons. Did it just die and leave loot? Touching what it left behind instantly answered my question. It seems that these were indeed a form of an enemy drop. Though it would have been nice if the blood had disappeared with the body too. My stomach is already playing Twister with my intestines at the mere sight of it.

I had to get back to Gilla. Now.

SB: That could have gone better.  
CE: Ham it up while you can. You know some sort of WINDOW would have been nice! It keeps the unwanted things OUT if you get what I’m saying.  
SB: Have it your way.

Once more the large cursor appears and I just duck out of the way as it hovered passed me and stopped onto my bed. It lowers itself onto it and drags it until the bedframe blocked the window.

CE: Really?  
SB: Yup.  
CE: Cheapskate.  
SB: Now, now, Kurt. It’s time for the tutorial.  
CE: Someone find me a skip button...

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A long-winded tutorial with Gila finally over. My strife deck is now stuck to chainkind so no screwdriver for me. The toolbox has a purpose with it becoming my Fetch Modus to store all my goodies in. The best part? Nicely organized into compartments and extremely sturdy. Now it's fields upon fields of grassland under my feet. Odd that no breeze was around to compliment a large number of windmills. No wind means the mills won’t spin. An obvious and almost intentional detail.

“So much for being called The Land of Windmills and Turbulence,” my hand finds itself to my ear to touch a button to allow communication. For convenience a broken headset and my cellphone were fused together so that if I needed to speak to Gila the words she types will be translated into words for me. “Can you see anything from your screen?”

SB: Apparently not. The range only seems to go inside your house or around it so I have no way to scout around.  
CE: That blows… How am I supposed to know where I need to go?  
SB: How about finishing your kernelsprite for starters?  
CE: I know! I already threw in a GPS in there because I thought it would help but it keeps recalculating the coordinates! So much for it being a guide…  
SB: It needs something with some semblance of intelligence. Operating on coordinates alone must be overwhelming its system with other technical hubris Sburb is trying to force it into learning.  
CE: And risk it in becoming a techno fairy that likes to speak in riddles? Heck no! Maybe it just needs a bigger memory capacity is all!  
SB: Kurt I don’t think using a larger memory capacity would-

From the toolbox, I took out a copy of the laptop made from alchemy and release it from its captchalog card state. Here we go! Without hesitance, just when I was about to toss it into the kernelsprite that was following me around my uncle’s grey parrot decides to fly into it.

CE: Shit!  
SB: What? What happened, Kurt?!  
CE: My uncle’s stupid bird just got prototyped! I’ll be hearing archaic words for the rest of the game… All for his love for classical playwrights.

The kernelsprite takes the shape of the bird’s head with a ghostly wisp trailing behind it. Immediately it speaks in a computerized voice that still retains its bird like demeanor, “In thy wards name a guide I be! Pray tell what answers ye seek?” and I let out a long groan. Some mental notes were taken to keep an eye for pesky things.

“Othello why didn’t you stay in your cage? It’s bad enough that I don’t know where Uncle Miller is! ” my voice fills itself with outrage. I really wanted to throw in the expansion but now I can’t risk it getting worse.

“Thyne answer lay with Uncle Miller, a caregiver for ye I be,” said Othello. He gives his avian head a quick turn so that a single eye was looking at me. “Took care of ye Othellosprite did.”

“He tasked you with being my babysitter? So all that stuff you did wasn’t because of Uncle Miller teaching you tricks?!”

“Aye.”

Speechless. I’m rendered speechless. Sometimes I wonder what goes on through my uncle’s noggin’ and now I’m starting to believe Othellosprite is a better parental figure. It also didn’t help that perhaps combining the speech capability of the GPS and what semblance of intelligence Sburb is giving him a better perception of his own meta-conscious. I have had my share of odd headaches but this one is taking to a whole level. Gila isn’t going to let me live it down and she is right on schedule for responding.

SB: Isn’t that cute? You have a bird for a sitter. Just wait for him to sit on you so he can keep you nice and warm under his spectral feathers.  
CE: Don’t indulge the now semi-sentient bird! He might actually do it…  
SB: As much as I want to goad Othello- or rather Othellosprite into doing that, I think it’s time I handle things on my side.  
CE: You’re leaving me???  
SB: It’s only temporary, I will come back to you soon. You aren’t the only one that needs to search for someone.  
CE: Oh… I get it.  
SB: Mhm.  
CE: I’ll try to check on the others while I go scout around. Don’t worry, you’ll find her.  
SB: I hope so, Kurt.

saltyBlight has ceased chatting contentiousEngineer

Having ended the chat I go through my Fetch Modus at the top labeled ‘transport’. Taking out a card I toss it to my side and an amalgamation between a car and a motorcycle spawned from it. A three-wheeler where a single driver was at the front and three in the back.

“I would have preferred an actual motorcycle but I was low on parts for the alchemy, now get in Othello.” I said as I sat into the front and Othellosprite got into the back seat. Inserting the car key the motor comes alive with a mighty roar. Man I wish this was an actual motorcycle...

“Thou destination?” Othellosprite asked.

“The first stop of our adventure of course!”

“Setting route... Location found.”

“Lead on Othello- I mean Othellosprite!”

Othellosprite darts out of the backseat and I put my foot on the gas. The wheels briefly spun on the ground before it found grip and sped forward into the horizon while following my ghostly guide. I don’t know how I’m alive but I know I’ll discover the truth if I continue to play the game. We’ll get back home. Somehow. I just know it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kurt Miller has started his trip around The Land of Windmills and Turbulence. Still catching up with his friends an unwanted solicitor reveals a bit about the nature of the game he is in.

It’s been hours since I drove away from home while completely ignoring the whole vast fields and windmills - it gets old after a while - and I’m now mingling with the locals. Little critters in the brightest yellow who all speak in an odd glub gibberish that I can somehow vaguely understand. I think. Othellosprite refers to them as “consorts” and these were specifically salamanders with a high religious streak towards this huge bonafide frog god. More mental notes for me.

The consorts seem very welcome of me, even more so when I apparently took care of their problem involving “underlings”. The so-called monsters that my friends and I will need to face. The imp from before is one of these. However, it’s odd that they wore assorted attires ranging from childlike stuff like toy soldiers, clowns, and dolls to more rare cases like cybernetic implants. The imp I had to deal with felt plain from its tribal threads with an obvious assumption that perhaps that’s how the monsters look like at first.

Amidst my contemplating the lone earphone that cupped my ear gave a gentle vibration. A message? 

holaOmnified [HO] has begun chatting contentiousEngineer [CE]

HO: well well, still alive kurt? Here I thought you’d become a greasy snack for the monsters by now.  
CE: Oh, gee… no Spanish this time, Ralf?   
HO: callate pendejo, eres mas lindo cuando no actúas como una perra debido a mi lenguaje nativo.  
CE: Hey! I don’t need a translator to figure out that you called me a bitch!  
HO: i’m stressed out kurt, let me have this one. I’m only able to execute my hobby halfway and it just doesn’t give the same effect.   
CE: You’re still doing THAT? Well, I’m happy to finally know that you’re still alive too. Do you know how many times I tried to message you? Did you get Gila’s messages?  
HO: i feel so loved…  
CE: C’mon I’m being serious here.  
HO: i am serious.  
CE: . . .  
CE: I’m hanging up.  
HO: wait! it’s just a jk, don’t go  
CE: That’s what I THOUGHT. Care to tell me what went on your end?  
HO: i’ll tell you what I know, not counting the awkward stuff  
OH: Aww...

Ralph and I caught up a bit on his experience with the game. From the looks of it, he can vouch that Ai is just fine and he’ll move on to let Gila know when he is finished talking with me. Ralph himself isn’t the type of guy to multitask but he is thorough in what he does so I know he makes ends meet one way or another.

HO: are you hiding some stuff from me?  
CE: What makes you say that?  
HO: i know you like to go on and on about your personal experiences. You’ve told me what you’ve been doing but you haven’t said much about yourself. And that is really not like you.   
HO: care to explain?  
CE: Well… actually…  
OH: you plan on telling Gila first, aren’t you?  
CE: Yes! I-I no don’t misunderstand it’s not like I don’t trust you or anything.   
HO: sure I get the big picture.  
HO: you want to check with her first before you ask the rest of us.   
HO: her being your unofficial mental proofreader when it comes to decisions makes some sense when you think about it.   
HO: sucks you don’t wanna tell me though.  
CE: I’ll tell you afterward.  
HO: i’m holding you to that promise.

holaOmnified [HO] has ceased chatting contentiousEngineer [CE]

Once the communication had ended I remained slumped against one of the stone homes built by the salamanders. How could I explain it? It was happening right before my eyes just as we were midway through our talk. Images in the clouds that faded in and out like a ghostly specter trying to hide its presence that acted out so vividly. 

Similar to a movie I watched a boy in glasses move across his planet fighting monsters with what looked like a hammer or a pogo stick. A pogo hammer? I know that I was watching him but was he able to see me? I needed to know. I needed answers. It didn’t help that during my daydreaming experience I had received another message but this time it wasn’t from either of my friends.

alchemicPanchrest [AP] began trolling contentiousEngineer [CE]

AP: Sssalutations human. If these were better times a more proper introduction would have been in order. Then again… I would have better things to attend than waste time contacting you.  
CE: Who. The fuck. Are you.  
AP: A being of the highest order that has come to show you the answers you ssseek. What I say to you is the absolute truth and only the truth.   
CE: Hey, I swear if this is some sick trolling-  
AP: Kurt is it? You are already dead.  
CE: Wait for a damn sec- How’d you know my name? How am I dead? You aren’t making any sense dude. Or dudette? Whatever you are!  
AP: If you would stop asking questions I would be more than happy to explain. Just keep that orifice of yours under wrapssS.  
CE: Ah- Kay’.  
AP: . . . *ahem*  
AP: When I was saying you were dead I meant it. You yourself are totally dead, deceased, killed, expired. You’re already acquainted with the visions of another being of your race playing the same game - yet only you are aware of it.   
CE: Creepy right?  
AP: *sigh*  
AP: Yesss, it is rather off-putting to be a passive voyeur in another’s affairsss but this isn’t the point I am trying to make.   
AP: Do you remember how you entered your game?  
CE: Can’t say.   
CE: All I remember is seeing myself almost being pulverized by a big flaming space rock of doom before waking up alive and already playing.   
CE: By the way, I’d like to add that I LIVED!  
AP: I once thought of the sssame.   
AP: Now, look at the skies of your planet once more and you will understand what I mean.  
CE: I don’t see why looking at the guy with the ghost shirt going to be of any-

To my horror as the unknown chatter mentioned to look the skies did change. No longer the comical boy with a penchant for pranks was there but my short-lived life on Earth. Playing it back as if someone was recording it from above I saw myself laying on my back as the asteroid landed into the house. A small glimmer of light emanated from its rocky surface before I was crushed under its heavy weight. 

CE: What the FUCK was that?! I really am dead!  
AP: I told you ssso. You died for real and that is the truth.   
CE: Then explain- All of me then! What am I? A ghost? A zombie?  
AP: I cannot say. Dead, undead, or maybe it’s a state of unliving.   
AP: To be frank, there is still so much I don’t understand about it yet but when I do find something I’ll tell you.  
CE: That… doesn’t say much. But thanks I guess?  
CE: Then who brought me here?

AP: You, your friends and the rest of you humans who ran the game into your computers were brought in by an unknown force in the system that is responsible for moderating everything.  
AP: In essence, it very likely to be a bug.  
AP: Currently your kind has been reduced to a collective fodder for a machine that has no need for extra partsss. But the parts themselves are still useful for the aforementioned bug.  
CE: Hold on, bring it back!   
CE: If it's about a bug then that’s what Skaianet is there for. You’re making it sound like humanity is at stake here.  
AP: It is. The millions of you that are in the game are slowly dying off with each passing hour. Survival of the fittest at its finest.   
AP: Yet a simple task don’t you think? Survive and claim the ultimate reward.   
AP: Until our next talk, Miller.   
AP: Ah before I forget. That portal in the sky is your way forward. How you reach it I leave that to your imagination.  
CE: Wait!

alchemicPanchrest [AP] ceased trolling contentiousEngineer [CE]

The chat abruptly comes to an end with the static creeping into my ear. It was bothersome. I had to take the headphones off to give my hearing a break. A small high pitched screech echoed briefly as it dimmed into nothing. Never thought I’d appreciate the sweet relief of silence like this.

* * *

Here I am back in my house with piles upon piles of grist everywhere from the death of many underlings in an attempt to reclaim my home. The stench of blood was sickening despite the lack of a corpse and I was already out of cleaning products. Worse of, they raided my food cabinet. Fucking vultures. A food problem and this unbearable stench.

Now that I am thinking about it with a few button presses and some the grist maybe I could make more food and cleaning products!

Eyeing the alchemiter many ideas start to flood into me at the possibility of making a Nerf Super Soaker fused a grand amount of chlorine products. Classic CLOROX Germs will know the fear of my vicious pump action. No corner will be with grease or grime while I hold the Germ-X-Terminator.

Then I remember that I am stuck with chainkind so no bleach gun for me. Damn it. I’ll have to think of something else. Detergent pods? Oh yeah, that sounds like a great idea. I can picture them now being nicely packed in transparent bags with their bright colors that remind me of candy… or KOOL-AID. 

Great, I just contemplated on chugging down chlorine. This waiting isn’t good for one’s sanity. And wait I no longer had to do!

candyWinter [CW] has begun chatting contentiousEngineer [CE]

CW: Hi!  
CE: Sweet lord! Ai!   
CW: (≧∇≦)/  
CE: I’m so glad to hear from you! I was already contemplating to chug a very toxic substance that will severely burn and perforate most of my digestive tract, thus leading to my slow painful demise.  
CW: (°_°)   
CW: Are you okay?  
CE: Beats me. But I bet some nimrod would do it for a bunch of likes on their blog. Psh… the things people would do for attention.  
CW: Is this an American thing I should be aware of?  
CE: Heck no. At least, I hope not! Watch me get fact-checked later. There is always somebody out there who has to have the free time to call me out on it. Though a compilation of such stupidity would be worth saving… for time capsule purposes.  
CW: Oh right Ralph told me that you turn into a chatterbox when you go through stuff. ARE you going through stuff?  
CE: Am I going through stuff? My house is wrecked, some monsters raided my food cabinet, I’m out of cleaning detergent, every room except the bathroom - ironically - reeks, my fucking guide is my uncle’s stupid bird-  
Othellosprite: Well met, sweet damsel!  
CE: SHUT IT!  
CE: See what I have to deal with?  
CW: I dunno it seems cute to me.  
CE: Am I the only one who isn’t blinded by this feathery demon…  
CE: Fine. I’ll let it be.  
CW: Great! So yeah you probably figured we’re kinda sorta dead right?  
CE: I did. Got lectured by a smartass not too long ago. Kinda over the top and vague but it was something.   
CW: A smartass? Mine was a bit nicer if that’s any consolation.   
CE: Nice?   
CW: Only a bit!  
CW: (／ロ°)／  
CW: But that’s not why I’m here! Kurt, I think I know why we’re dead!   
CE: Didn’t we just get told we were dead?  
CW: Yes! And I am already theorizing that we are here because we are meant to stabilize something. Something big.  
CE: Is it the bug?   
CW: No not quite. But the bug’s existence is still kinda bad! I can just feel it in our surroundings that we are lacking an important thing. The best I can describe it would be… “substance”?   
CE: Hmmmmmmmmmm  
CE: Heh I don’t get it. It sounds like a lot of existential hooplas to me. This is why philosophy was never my best subject.  
CE: Asking ourselves about whether or not we have a greater purpose or are we truly living our own lives or living it for someone else-  
CW: Wait! Repeat that part.  
CE: If we are “living our own lives”?  
CW: Further back.  
CE: “Philosophy was never my best subject”?  
CW: Just a bit further back.  
CE: . . .  
CE: “Existential hooplas”?  
CW: Yes! “Existential hooplas”! It all makes sense now! We’re-  
CE: Hello? Earth to Ai?

contentiousEngineer [CE] lost connection with candyWinter [CW]

CE: Shit.


End file.
